Thank U, Next

To: The Only Boy I’ve Ever Loved

I drove by your house last night and for the first time in a very long time I was ok. Yes, I saw her car there but the only emotion that went through my body was understanding. I was finally coming to terms with where I stood when it comes to you. Maybe y’all are happy together maybe you are finally being the man I knew you always could be and yeah it does suck that you couldn’t be that man for me, but if you’re doing it for somebody else then maybe you learned something. I know throughout this relationship I’ve learned so much, I learned a lot about myself in so many different ways.

Right now there’s so many things I wish I could say to you but I know right now I’m not strong enough to say any of the things I’m thinking to your face and that’s ok in my eyes. I want to say I hate you but that would be a lie, because I’ll always love you, but I’ll never be in love with you ever again. During our four years together on and off there were plenty of arguments, arguments where we both laid hands on one another. Arguments where we said things that we “didn’t mean” even though we both meant every single word. There were the health scares, there were the unexpected pregnancies (that weren’t me), and there was the yelling and the throwing of things. If I am being honest the list of things that went wrong during our four years could go on and on, but even during our troubled times there were great things that happened too. After everything you’ve put me through I now know the mistake that I’ve made over the past four years, I’ve always told myself the good things outweighed the bad things. I was lying to myself, the bad things always outweighed the good, but I wanted to see the best in you and the best in us. I wanted a future for us but right now my future is me. My future is figuring out where I belong in a world without you.

You know everyone says high school and college are the places where you figure yourself out, but I spent my last two years of high school trying to figure out who I was for you, trying to be the perfect girl for you. It took over my life and flowed into my first two years of college. I want my last year of college to be about me. I want to find the girl I used to be before I met you. I want to do things I haven’t done and I plan on being the best me I possibly can be.

Now that I have finally come to terms with what we used to be I guess I am supposed to forgive and forget everything, well I hate that cliche. After everything you have put me through I don’t think you deserve my forgiveness. Over the past four years I have battled with myself about this relationship but now I know it was all a lesson, a lesson that took me a long time to learn, but in the wise words of my girl Ariana, Thank U Next.